My Drinking Problem

People drink for all sorts of reasons. Mine was to make me feel good. Every once in a while if I was upset or depressed and an opportunity came where there would be drinking, I would just let go. I liked the feeling that it would deliver. The elixir, so sweet on my tongue would erase all unhappiness in the world. For a while I would be free. Free of all the pain, free of the anxiety, free of my mad obsessions. And I liked the feeling of freedom. The feeling that I could do whatever I wanted, because no one cares what a drunk does. The introversion changing to extroversion. Suddenly finding that I could be the life of the party. That those inhibitions that kept me from acting as I would like would disappear. That I could now be as bold as I wished, as silly as I desired. It's a feeling that is far and away from any other. I was never an alcoholic in the clinical sense of the word, but there were definitely some times that I felt it was too much already. I was drinking for the wrong reasons. Quite frankly, it was a bit worrisome. Last Friday night, I was at a very festive meal. Between fish and meat, the host brought out the drinks. He had beer, scotch, bourbon... A pretty nice assortment. So I had a beer. If there had been more beer on the table, I might have had some. But there wasn't, it was safely in the fridge. After the customary post-fish l'chaim, the others proceeded to refill. I did not, since I had not yet finished my beer.. When I had polished it off, I didn't really feel the inclination to continue drinking and declined another. It was only later on, when everyone around me was “feeling no pain” that I realized that I never even had a desire to drink. That it wasn't even a battle. It was a total non issue. I wasn't interested in alcohol. Here's why: With all that has been going on with getting ready for graduate school, I have had a lot to do. I have been working really hard and it has paid off. I have started feeling productive. Now, when I lay down in bed, I feel good. Tired, but definitely good. I'm not mad at the world anymore. I'm self satisfied. I don't listen to songs about death and dismemberment any longer. Because I don't have a death wish and I don't have anyone I want to dismember. I've grown up. I feel alive. I feel... happy.And that's why I wasn't drinking last Friday night. Will I drink if I come across an opportune situation? Sure! But it will be because I like drinking. Not because I am trying to escape reality. Not to escape the here and now. Because once life becomes worth living, it becomes too valuable to waste on inebriation.