But I'm Not Attracted!

On a number of occasions, I have had shadchanim (matchmakers) try to pressure me into going out (again) with a girl that I was not attracted to. “Try it. You never know what will happen,” they opine. “Attraction can develop if you give it a chance,” they claim. Well, I have to respectfully disagree.

As far as I am concerned there are only three types of girls: girls I am attracted to, girls I am definitely not attracted to, and girls that have potential. The last group includes girls who have no features, traits or flaws that particularly repulse me but at the same time I don't quite feel attracted to. In this case, I am more than willing to go out with her and give her a chance. Sometimes I give her five. I recognize that whether or not there is “love at first sight” isn't a realistic way of assessing someone. I try to be fair and give everyone a reasonable chance before I say no.

What I don't understand is when shadchanim insist that I go out again, even when I have made it quite clear how unattracted I am. Giving her one more chance will not change the fact that she weighs 500 pounds, has a nose like Pinocchio and laughs like a hyena. No amount of dating will change that. Nor will it change my preferences. This is not shallowness, it is being realistic. No one is being done a favor by agreeing to a second date. There is no sense in leading her on when I know that there is about as much chance of an aardvark winning a beauty contest as there is of me marrying her.

Sometimes I wish shadchanim would treat me like an adult making adult decisions instead of a child who doesn't know what he wants.

Is there anybody out there?

It's the candles that make me feel loneliest. Lighting them myself, without anyone around. Other holidays are different. Of course, there's the Pesach seder and Purim seuda, lively meals with family and friends. Much of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are spent in shul so naturally, there are people around. But Channuka is different. You can light the menorah on your window sill alone in your house. No one else needs to be there. And while the purpose of the mitzvah is to bring light to others, to share it with them, there is no connection made, no communication. Maybe a passerby stops in the winter's cold to gaze at the light in the window. Maybe he pauses to count the candles. But inevitably he will rush away. There is no us on Channuka. Only you and them. You inside and everyone else outside.

You know when I felt it most? It was when I said the brachos. I sang them loud and clear. Baruch atah hashem... She'oso nissim lavoseinu bayamim ha'heim bazman hazeh. When I finished, the words just hung there, the missing amen noticeable in the still air. It is at that point when I thought...

I'm all alone.

G-d Has a Funny Sense of Humor

You may recall that I was pretty infatuated with this girl I kinda sorta knew. Well, that ended. I mean I continued to like her but after trying to get set up with her through a number of channels, I realized it was futile. She obviously didn't want to go out with me. Didn't mean I didn't have a gut wrenching crush on her, just that I realized it wasn't going anywhere so I stopped expending effort on it. Eventually the feelings started fading and it no longer hurt me as much to think about her.

Recently I found out she got engaged. This kind of news is usually tough on me. Whenever I find out that someone I liked got engaged, it throws me for a loop for a couple of days. I think, this can't be happening. It is a cross between feeling forlorn that I am still single while someone else my age is getting married and a feeling of lost opportunity.

This time was worse. Way worse. She will be getting married on my birthday! There are 364 other days in the year and THIS is the day she had to choose?

G-d sure has a funny sense of humor.

Busy as a Bee

Life has been busy. Other than that, I don't know that I have any particularly good excuses for not blogging for the last 9 months. But I keep meaning to. Whenever something happens in my life, my brain thinks in terms of whether it will make a good blog post. Which either means there is something wrong with me, or that I like blogging (or both). So I am going to try to blog more. No promises... But I will try. Because I like it. I really do!

The Picture

There is a fellow not unlike myself. He is searching for his bashert though he knows what she looks like. Most people would find this odd. He doesn’t because he has a picture of her. But this isn’t an ordinary picture. It is an image that exists solely in his mind.

The woman in his photo is not real. She cannot be real. She is too perfect. She is merely a vision he wishes would come into being. Yet deep down he knows she never will.

Still, the picture gets him into trouble. He meets women. Beautiful, talented young women. But they are nothing like his picture. He is sure they cannot be his bashert because they do not match.

His friends tell him to get rid of the image. “Destroy it,” they say. But he cannot. He wonders what they know about his picture. Do they have any idea how much he has invested in it?

Dear Mac,

For all you Mac users out there, I fixed a problem that was preventing my blog from displaying correctly in Safari. So now all browsers no matter their religion, race or political affiliation can enjoy this blog equally. I'm an equal opportunity blogger. Enjoy...

Two's a Crowd

I spent a great deal of my life alone. I don’t mean that I didn’t have friends just that I’ve never been afraid to be alone with myself. I’ve seen people that need to surround themselves with others in order to be happy. That was never me. I was always content to sit and ponder, to take in my surroundings and consider them. I enjoyed being alone.

As I got older, I realized there were benefits to spending time with others too. It’s not that I needed the company but it was pleasant in a way that solitude could never be. Two could do things that one could not. They could share experiences and create memories together. Afterwards they could reminisce.

As the years progressed, I turned into a social animal. The pleasure I received from spending time with others trumped that of going solo. I spent more and more of my time with others and less and less of it alone. And while I enjoyed it, it came with a tradeoff.

A couple of weeks ago I made a trip to Manhattan with a purpose in mind. I have always wanted to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. This time, I decided, I was going to see it. Being the social creature that I am, I invited friends I hadn’t seen in some time. While we discussed the logistics, one of my friends said that the cost of a show was too much money to spend on one night out. Another friend responded with his preference and the next thing I knew we weren’t seeing a Broadway musical anymore. I had compromised. I opted to forgo seeing the show I wanted in order to spend time with my friends. And I had fun. I also left NYC without seeing Phantom of the Opera.

This creates a dilemma for me. Should I hang out with others or keep to myself? On the one hand, I really enjoy other people’s company. On the other, I frequently end up doing something different than what I wanted to do. Arranging the entire event seems to be the only way to control it. That and doing it alone.

Nowadays, I still attend social events but I spend a lot of time by myself too. Partly because I have realized that this is the only way I will ever do the things I want to do. I guess I’m going to have to get over it since I hope to get married one day. I’m just enjoying the freedom while it lasts. It is liberating to do what you want when you want. At the same time though, I want to find a better way, a way in which I can be social and still be satisfied with the events I participate in.

Nick and the Mik

As I step onto the street outside the mikva, towel slung over my shoulder, I wonder...

Do people who see Jews leaving the mikva erev yontiv think that our synagogue has a pool?

G'mar Chasima Tova!

Harry Potter and the Final Reckoning

I really liked book number seven of the Harry Potter series. I couldn’t put it down. I read it at every opportunity I had and enjoyed each moment of it. Every time I picked up the book to read it, I was filled with anticipation and pleasure. Some words I read quickly and with vigor while others I read slowly so as to savor them. There is no way to describe my love for the book, my longing for it when we were apart.

And that scares me.

I once heard told that when we die and reach the world of truth, G-d will ask us why we didn’t do more mitzvos. We will offer whatever excuses we made to ourselves while we were alive.

“I was too tired,” we will say.

“I didn’t have enough time,” we will complain.

At this point G-d will show us “video clips” of points in our life when we were in identical situations yet still managed to do something we wanted to do. Times when we were tired but pushed ourselves to wake up so that we could catch a vacation plane. Or situations where we were short on time but still managed to make time for something we wanted. Which is where Harry Potter comes in…

I don’t spend enough time learning Torah right now. I want to, I make plans to, but I am perpetually distracted, discouraged from pursuing it. I like learning, I really do. I’m someone who knows how to learn and enjoys it when he makes time for it. But when it comes down to it, when I have that spare half an hour, my first thought never involves picking up a sefer or going to a shiur.

So when G-d comes to me and says, “Nu, you had time for Harry Potter”, I will have no answer. Because it is true. I make time for the things I enjoy. Although I like learning, there are other things I enjoy more. Learning just falls by the wayside. When G-d asks me that fateful question, the only answer I will have is that I liked Harry Potter more.

And that answer is not good enough.

Something has got to change.

OH MY Simchas

Well, it looks like only simchas decided to update the organization of the site and their trademark purple and white color scheme. It is about frickin' time. Only problem is, I don't think the new layout and colors are any better. The previous layout was cluttery and unintuitive and it looks like they did a fairly good job at making sure that was not improved at all. It is still hard as all heck to navigate (if heck was a busy city filled with aggressive drivers, one way streets and pedestrians who stepped off the curb without a moments notice). There are five levels of navigation (count 'em!) and the search bar jumps from the middle of the page to the top, depending on what area of the site you are in. I don't know who they hired to do this redesign but I think they should ask for their money back. I do feel like it is running a bit faster though, so that makes me happy. Not that I spend that much time on OS at all... I mean I'm a guy... and guys don't browse only simchas... ever... not even when their best friend gets engaged... right?