I'm Stuck On You

Hi! It’s been a while. I still cannot resume a consistent blogging schedule since it remains hectic over here. Aug/Sept should be easier and hopefully somewhere around Rosh Hashana I should be able to start blogging for real again. However, I currently have a little more time then I did before and so don’t be surprised if you see a new entry here and there. Sometimes I think about my blogging career and sigh. There have been so many things over the past couple of months that I wish I had had enough time to write about. Well I am here now. Mostly because there is something that I just have to get off my chest. And of course, as always, it begins with a girl.

There’s this girl that I see in shul and around town. I have bumped into her too many times in too many different states and countries to consider it mere coincidence. (Not that I believe that there is such a thing but there are some situations which are easier to view as such.) I am completely enamored with her. Even her flaws make me smile. And believe it or not, I want to date her. However, there is a problem. I am told that she wants a guy who will learn in kollel and I do not fit that description. Amongst the circles that I travel, this is cause enough not to go out. So we haven’t. My issue is that I can’t get her off my mind. I’ve created this entire fantasy image of who she is. But that is not who she really is. I don’t know who she really is. All I know is how she looks and enough about her family and upbringing to know that she is the type of girl I would be interested in. Nothing about her personality or even much about her haskafas. Which, as I said, means that I don’t know her. Yet I can’t extract her from my mind either. Good old attraction has taken its toll. Intellectually, I know that it is only attraction, that this enticement is merely a delusion. Yet I am unable to stop thinking about her, to dismiss her and move on. It’s like my intellectual side knows this is a waste of time (at best) and my emotional side has alzheimers. The emotional side of me keeps forgetting that this is a dead end street and somehow the rest of my mind gets dragged along with it. And I just continue pursuing her, forgetting what a waste of time it is until I get jarred back to reality for one reason or another. Then the cycle starts all over again. I still don’t know what to do about it so I am still chasing her. Which is a shame. But how do I convince my emotional side that she is a waste of my time and energy so that I can continue on with my life? How do I persuade myself that even though there may be a reason for our meeting, the purpose may not be to date her? The worst part about this is that I am going out with a different girl this week. I really want to give the other girl a chance but I don’t know if I can when my heart is stuck on someone else…