Total Hate

But if the Bishop had told us you were Ender, we would have stoned you to death … the day you arrived."

"Why don't you now?"

"We know you now. That makes all the difference, doesn't it? Even Quim doesn't hate you now. When you really know somebody, you can't hate them."

~Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card

The girl with the annoying laugh. The fellow who davens just a little too loudly. The person who ignores you or is rude to you on a regular basis. We all know people like this. Their mannerisms and quirks irk you. Their behavior bothers you. You try to ignore it, but it’s there and it’s hard to ignore. And then something surprising happens. You start to hate the person. You think, if only they would stop or go away i’d be happy. It starts gnawing away at you. Until sometimes the hate becomes unbearable.

I used to hate people. There used to be people that got so heavily on my nerves that annoyance would turn into hate. I don’t know when it happened but at some point I made a breakthrough. I spoke to one of these people, one of the individuals that was making my life miserable. And suddenly he wasn’t the horrible obnoxious inconsiderate jerk that he once was. He was tolerable, understandable and maybe even a little likable. And the more interaction I had with this person, the more likable he became. We didn’t become friends, but I couldn’t hate him either.

To my mind, the explanation is that people are inherently likable. G-d made them this way. There is a divine spark in every human being and so a human in his essence must be likable. Just there is crud that gets in the way. People have personalities and sometimes a person’s personality or character traits may rub you the wrong way. But if you take the time to get to know someone, you will find that they have at least some redeeming qualities.

Another reason that I believe to be at the core of this phenomenon is familiarity. In life, people are drawn to the familiar. Where this is one goth, there are bound to be more. All those cliché high school romantic comedies always have their cliques. The kids that are in and the kids that are out. The jocks and the geeks. The cheerleaders and the preppies. The different factions cling together. It’s not an accident. People naturally like those who are like them. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together. When you approach someone and start up a conversation you allow for your similarities to come out into the open. Before that you could see only the externals, the person’s physical manifestation in this world. But when you talk, you start to realize that you and him are not so different. You have some things in common. You can share a joke and a smile. And when you reach that point, it is impossible to hate. Because hating him would be hating a part of yourself.

When I realized that all it takes to stop hating is to start talking, I stopped hating. I learned that I need to reach out and understand and that once I do, I hate no longer. It’s hard when someone is annoying you to get out of that headspace, to go beyond the superficial. But I believe it is worth it. Hate uses up your energy. Hate stews inside you. Hate consumes.

All it takes to diffuse it is one conversation.

So next time someone is causing you agitation, go up and talk to him. Maybe it will help you. Maybe it will help him. Maybe it will help make the world a better place.