The Green Eyed Monster

Speaking of moods... I was in a really horrible one today. (Again!) Depressed, moody and angst-ridden... What could have gotten me into such a state? One of my friends got engaged. Before you start pointing fingers, you should know that I was happy for him. Really! But that only lasted for a little while before other feelings mixed in. You should know that I don't usually set other people up. The reason for this is simple. Of all my friends, I would have NEVER in a million years set them up with their current spouses. I just don't see it in my head. Even after they are already married (and I have spent time with their wives), I am still not sure why some of them married who they did. So that being how it is, I don't endeavor to set up other people. I'm not going to set someone else up when I know that I have no head for it. So it surprised me when I totally “got” this shidduch. Maybe it is because this time I knew both sides. Or maybe not. I don't know why it is. But this time I totally got it. And as I lay in bed thinking about them and how cute of a couple they would be and how I could totally see how they would get along etc. I started to imagine them together, going places, having conversations, enjoying each others company. And then I started feeling another feeling. It just sorta crept in. It was jealousy. Jealousy and longing and desire for something similar. Which of course knocked me into a whole feeling sorry for myself loop. I was basically incapacitated the entire day. Couldn't do anything productive. That's how bad it was. It took me the entire day to finally sit down and write this down. And this is probably the extent of productivity I experienced today. So what's the point of this? Nothing. It's a rant. A plain old disgruntled, angsty rant. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Then again, maybe not. After all, what's going to change between today and tomorrow? The big empty hole in my heart will not have gone anywhere.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

The seesaw of emotion, the merry-go-round of feelings... I'm talking about moods. I find them relatively annoying. I mean today I felt like total trash. It was a rotten day. I was miserable, stressed out and unhappy about how everything was going. You could have offered me an ice cream sunday and a Porsche and it would not have made my day any better. It was essentially a wasted day. Yet after I had a nice dinner and relaxed on my bed for a bit, I felt like a different person. It boggles my mind sometimes, how I can go from total monster to benevolent king, from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. And did I mention it annoys me? I mean why does it have to be that way? Why do I have to have these miserable, wasted days? One could argue that the only reason that you appreciate the happy days is because you have had sad ones. Experiencing the extremely negative, allows you to better enjoy the days that you feel good. It's a good argument but I can't say that I am totally convinced. I think that the psychological/chemical state that is caused by happiness would exist whether or not there was sadness in the world. And as for whether experiencing the opposite enhances the good feelings of happiness, sadness and happiness do not have a direct relationship to each other. Sadness is NOT the absence of happiness and happiness is not the absence of sadness. They are two totally independent emotions. I don't think that I mentally compare my happy states to those in which I am unhappy. Probably the biggest proof is that people who have gone through tremendous hardships and trouble do not necessarily experience a deeper sense of happiness. Their level of enjoyment is not upped by their past misfortunes. So I can't agree with that train of thought. All I know is that I really hate it when I have days like today... I'm going to end this piece right now since just writing about it is starting to send me into another mood...